So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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