The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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