I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
