if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
