If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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