Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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