my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
