I only kidnapped one of them. chill
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
