Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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