eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
