a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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