Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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