dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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