Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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