My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Randomize
