He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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