I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
