cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
