On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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