I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
We smell like vodka and hangover
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