Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
