Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
