Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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