took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
