That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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