i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
he fucked my hip out of place.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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