Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
