i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
