Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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