Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
