well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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