That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
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I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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