I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
