my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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