So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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