god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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