Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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