If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
