i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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