my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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