he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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