Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
