glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just forgot I was standing up.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He has the fingertips of a God
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