i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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