Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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