yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm just crazy horny about you
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
