dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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