Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
