I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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