Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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