i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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