I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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