i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
