I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
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drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
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I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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