Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I wish my penis had an off switch
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
