I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
