I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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