woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
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It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
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Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
there is glitter all over my balls
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